Intersection

[caraig]

Confused rambling here:

When you think things are going all right, and you're reasonably cool with things in general, and you're doing some work enough to keep your website up, and looking for a job but you're not at the point of starving or desperate yet, and online gaming has been going pretty well despite some weirdness; and then when you go to sleep and find yourself staying awake, tossing and tumbling; and somewhere in the middle of the night you get sick to your stomach; and then you wake up three-quarters of the way into the night so totally drenched in sweat that you have to change pajamas;

... then there's something integral to What's Going On that just isn't right.

It would be very nice if life came with three things: an instruction manual; meaning; something to look forward to.

Something to look forward to. I think that's something that kept me awake last night. Having hopes and dreams about relationships, goals, jobs, etc., are all well and good. Being told that you can have those if you try hard enough is fine. But there's no garuantees (however you choose to spell it.) There's nothing that says 'If you do this then that will happen;' we've already been shown that this is false by the shattering of the social contract between employees and corporations. Being told, 'But if you just try...!' is just plain torture, sometimes, because there's nothing that says it will happen, nothing that says you will find happiness, no matter how hard you try. What good is a journey if there's no destination? If you find yourself in that journey... well, when you lift up your eyes and look around, where are you?

It'd be nice if we just had something that could pull us forward. Something that could make us get through the day. Something we could look at and say, 'Yeah, that's worth going through all this for.'

Something to look forward to. But there aren't any promises, are there?

Nothing new here. I'll feel better later after I've woken up some and taken a shower and gotten this Morning-Breath-of-Hell taste out of my mouth. This is just ocnfused half-asleep ramblings and I'll probably erase this post after I've waken up some and realized what an incredibly depressing goober I'm being. End of line.

Comments

[frostedelves.livejournal.com]

On erasing posts-- why self-censor? It's not going to change anything but give you a false sense of things later when you look back and can't tell anymore if you were happy that year, or coping with something that's just come up again recently, or had found a balance you later forgot. Embarassing as old angry or depressed entries can be, isn't it good to know the themes in your desires and fears and how they've changed (or not) when looking at your present path? Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, and all that.

Anyway, hope you figure out what's missing and find it. Good luck.

As a note on one of your worries... remember that even if you have to go back to an IT tech job for a time while still seeking the job you really want, you're not going backwards, because you've already gone forwards. You can't return to where you were before school, because you have acquired skills and will continue to improve them on your own now. It only remains to find them a paying outlet. There is no shame in doing what you need to survive in the meantime. It won't take away anything but time in your day (in return for money) if you refuse to let it take more.

I do hope you find a job you actively want sooner rather than later, though!