Then something happened. About a year later, there was an opening in the server group. I got taken on half-time with them. And I did okay. Maybe not great, but I made a decent junior sysadmin.
Today that ended. My yearly performance review said 'needs growth.' I didn't do so well, obviously. And I got put back in the desktop support group.
On the one hand, I guess I was asking for it. I'd mentioned several times that I didn't want to do the split-time thing anymore, it was becoming distracting and hard to juggle two different and often competing schedules. Did it have a factor in my being dropped from the server group? I don't know. Maybe. Does it matter anymore?
In a way I'm kind of glad that this split-time thing is over. And working in CRC will be a lot less stressful -- no more on-call hours, no more being responsible for servers that can bring down the campus, no more having to struggle to determine priorities. It's not a crime to be found wanting, nor a dishonor or disgrace. We should all be so lucky as to find our limits.
I don't know. I'm screaming into the void here, aren't I? I've not kept up with Dreamwidth or LiveJournal for four years, after all. Everyone I was used to communicating with there moved on to other pastures.
I keep telling myself -- just as my server group manager told me -- that I still have a future at Stanford. And I don't think he was just saying that. But a part of me is seeing this as the start of the big downward spiral. It happened in the Coast Guard, it happened at Routledge, it happened in Apple, and... well, those are the only jobs I really had any longevity in.
Back in November I celebrated five years at Stanford. That's the longest I've ever worked for anyone since graduating college. What a mess I've made of my life. It's still salvageable, to some extent. But it'll never be what it could have been.